Cow Serenity

badprincess @ 2008-05-26T09:29:00

2008-05-26T13:39:56Z

So, to make a long story short, I am moving out of Crownsville, tomorrow, around 3:30. It's an extremely ugly situation and if you want to know the whole long sordid tale, feel free to message or call me. (maritulip on aim, or 309.642.1183) I have all my things packed up and mostly in one place, and tomorrow is truck day. What does that mean for you? It means that if you love me, or just want to be a nice person, tomorrow you will take time out from your day and come help me move. If I can get as many people as possible together, it will go very quickly and hopefully be a bit less painful.

Even if you can't lift heavy things, I've got lots of small lightly packed boxes, or if you're good at tetris you can help me figure out how to fit everything I own into a 14 foot truck. Bring friends, bring your dog, bring whatever.

Well Jessica, you say, why should I do this for you? Mostly because I am begging and I'm in a really shitty situation. I will give you hugs and love and kiss your feet and all that. Seriously, even if you can only come for a half hour, it's a huge help. I'm going to Virginia for the summer and don't know anyone other than my aunt so I'll have to do all the UNpacking mostly myself.

Again, 309.642.1183.

Love <3

badprincess @ 2006-12-28T19:48:00

2006-12-28T23:48:27Z

Today is the last day of my trip home and I am super depressed. I really really want to move back. I all of a sudden hate Maryland, life has just been so stressed lately. With how much I work and my living situation being unhealthy, I feel like angst just oozes from my pores. I'm not fun to be around because I'm snappy and irritable. I don't want to be around people that I normally like hanging out with because I feel like I'll be depressing, or that I just don't have enough time. Lauren and I have been apartment hunting for about two months now and it's been AWFUL. Things keep falling through, or places are hideous, or too expensive, or etc. We currently have an application in at a really beautiful place, and it's the only reason I don't cancel my flight back to MD. Not for my interest in the place, but because it would fuck her over. We have to sign a year lease and I feel like I'm signing my freedom away. If I moved back to Michigan, I could pay no rent, have monetary help, go to SCHOOL, etc. And I have a huge support group here.

I know it's mostly stupid depression and lack of self esteem, but I feel like I am a poisonous bacteria that leeches onto people. I'm always waiting for the moment when people figure this out and leave me. I think that it will be easier if I leave them first, so maybe this is why I move all the time.

HILARITYYYYYYYYY

2006-08-20T07:23:15Z

badprincess @ 2006-08-15T12:23:00

2006-08-15T16:33:32Z

Stolen from Erin:

*****Harken back to the days of spontaneous parties!!

Jessica has fucked up her ankle, in ways that the radiologist will tell us tuseday. I will also be making cupcakes. Delicious cupcakes. Tuesday is a busy day. But wednesday, wednesday is a day devoid of obstacles other than small piles of clothes, insistant cats and staircases.

And thusly, it is the Visit A Crippled Jessica Festival! Come for th esparkley Jesscia hugs! Come for the cupcakes! Just drop by for a visit at the apartment at whatever time suits your schedule. (call ahead to be super-sure, but it's not like she's going anywhere fast;)**********

So, uh yes, I'm living at the apartment. I'm crippled. It fucking sucks. I am super annoyed and unhappy. I was supposed to be in Ocean City right now, laying on the beach and eating good food. I am instead laying on the couch (but still eating good food!) I am feeling very sad and sorry for myself, so anyone who comes to visit me on Wednesday will make me super happy. My cell is 309-642-1183 if you want to call first or need directions.

Being crazy + being crippled = I can't even run away from my problems!

Also, I want to say how much I appreciate my insanely good friends. I am lacking for nothing, they are being awesome slaves, and I am super well taken care of.

badprincess @ 2006-07-29T15:58:00

2006-07-29T20:01:37Z

I'm currently enjoying the use of an empty apartment. (tim/erin/jake/nick massive) I've been busily cleaning and being useful while they are out. The past few weeks have been really good, I've been too busy to update properly. We went camping, and you can see all the pretty pictures on my flickr page. I am listening to the prettiest mix everrrrrrr right now, and I'm super happy and full of love and good feelings and the universe is aligning itself in a very pleasing fashion. Go team manic!

Today Jake and I stopped at Mary's party, we couldn't stay long but it was nice. Super yummy pasta salad and of course seeing the lovely Mary. Way too hot outside though. Tonight there are lots of fun things planned, tomorrow is D&D and relaxing, and Jessica is a happy busy girl.

Oh, also?

Gas for the ride the club: $5
Entrance: $4
Shots of tequila: $6
Having your boyfriend and girlfriend get you off at the same time in a club full of people: Priceless.

Whole lot of crazy...

2006-07-15T17:24:19Z

Oh wow, HI depression! I thought you were gone since I've been insanely manic for so long, but now I remember why being bipolar is not in fact, the win. I am so logical and removed from all my crazy, it's almost like watching some sick scientific experiment. I certainly am not at a point where I can turn it off but I can sort of internally watch myself being crazy and be like "yup, you are not feeling this way because these things exist, you are feeling this way 'cuz you crazy!"

One of the things I would really like to work on and examine is how much is too much to require of people close to me. I try to be very careful that I don't ask for absurd accommodations for things that are not their fault. Although it would be much easier to function this way and I honestly have friends that are awesome enough to put up with it, I hate doing so. There are small things I'm okay with, like letting them know I don't want to be touched, or I need to hear something happy, or that I am not currently suitable for public consumption. However, I do not find it reasonable to suggest paying excessive amounts of loving attention to me to the exclusion of anyone else because I'm currently convinced you hate me. Somewhere inbetween these things is a line that is reasonable for both myself and the people I surround myself with and I'd like to find it.

The removal of emotional walls is another thing that is very hard for me to do. I can attach to people pretty easily and find much affection for them, but building real emotion is much more dangerous feeling because then I have the capacity to get hurt. This is hard to understand because I do not appear cold or unloving at all. Therefore when someone is completely removed from my life and I just don't care, it bewilders people. I may have paid attention to this person, talked volumes about how great they are, etc. But if I haven't emotionally attached without a wall in place, it doesn't really matter. I haven't allowed myself to care.

I take great pains to compartmentalize my relationships since I operate on so many different levels. When finding new people that are interested in me, I often ask "Do you want to fuck my brains or my panties or both?" I can function fine with any of these answers but I just like to know so I can put it into a happy safe box and leave it there. Unfortunately a lot of people are not used to people operating on such a starkly honest and possibly emotion free level. In turn, some people think it's required to fake emotion to access my undergarments. This makes me confused, and I allow myself to briefly attach, and then end up confused/disappointed when they aren't being honest. It all makes perfect sense to me, if I tell you things are okay, they are. But the preconceived notions of relationships and sex seem to win out.

Another issue: unexpected change. I don't care if you promised me bread and water and gave me cake and ice cream, that is NOT what I expected and it freaks me out. I hate when this happens. It's normally because I like to be very happy with things and therefore I steel myself for whatever something is, and then when the new thing happens I haven't made myself ready, so not only is it surprising, it's upsetting. Little things can do this, like expecting X person to walk in the room and it's really Y person, people being home that I didn't think were there, food tasting really different than what I thought it would be. Unless I'm already at a bad level, these things will just cause general unease vs. a massive freak out, but it's still bothersome.

I have many responses for coping and functioning and making things just be okay. But this past week has been extremely difficult for me on a lot of levels. First, I am going through a downswing. That's fine, it happens. I tend to be more careful with myself and emotions during these times but really, you cannot schedule life. So, basically, on Monday I allowed myself to take down some walls with a person who is relatively new in my life. I felt very close and safe with them and was happy about doing this. Unfortunately, on Tuesday a situation presented itself which: A) I was not ready to deal with, B) made me surprised, C) convinced me said person was only interested in panties when I thought they were interested in brains, and D) made me feel very very unloved and unwanted. Now, first off, NONE of this is anyone's fault. I read into things because I was feeling uncertain and nervous and my very strong fears were coming into play. I can *logically* recognize this. Does not help my heart that my brain is smart.

Obviously, I was very upset and a lot of placating and assurances and love has been attempted. Still not okay, which makes me upset. I want to be able to look at things, realize what they are, and be okay and happy with it. And it's breaking my heart that this stupid fucking sickness is not enabling me to do this. I cannot communicate how frustrating and upsetting it is. I didn't leave the house last night because I am feeling shaky and unsure, I HAVE to leave today for friends birthday party goodness, and the thought of being around people is really scary. Also, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what is reasonable to ask for. I don't know what I can tell myself that will make me feel better. And I feel very vulnerable and silly and crazy for letting it bother me this much. I abhor feeling weak. I love my manic self, the one that is all fun times Jessica warrior self. I do not like this Jessica.

I am very worried about people not liking it as well, and being annoyed that I can't be okay right away, and not wanting to deal with me. I always worry about losing people I love because it's so hard to deal with me, and I want to turn it off, and I know why it's wrong, but I can't. It's the worst thing in the whole world and I hate hate hate hate it. If I was apeshit insane and DID NOT KNOW, I think it would be better. Or just really stupid, I am so convinced stupid people have easier lives.

badprincess @ 2006-07-11T13:22:00

2006-07-11T17:29:51Z

I am so sick of our house being under construction. Not being able to cook is annoying.

Also, I was showing Tim these The fucking sheer hilarity that ensued must be shared.

(12:58:14) Sated Bacchus: username: Tim
(12:59:17) Sated Bacchus: password: **********
(12:59:32) maritulip: Access: granted. Enter command.
(13:00:22) Sated Bacchus: /delete fabric firewall
(13:04:17) Sated Bacchus: /grant SysAdmin user Tim
(13:06:25) Sated Bacchus: I love the Jessica OS
(13:06:39) Sated Bacchus: user friendly and fun to navigate
(13:07:30) Sated Bacchus: it rarely crashes and has good integral virus protection
(13:07:54) maritulip: easy to network
(13:09:13) maritulip: painless installation
(13:09:28) Sated Bacchus: comes with SOTA hardware.
(13:10:00) maritulip: hardware is interchangeable and easy to upgrade
(13:10:20) Sated Bacchus: responds well and quickly to multiuser setups
(13:10:43) Sated Bacchus: reboots like a dream
(13:10:57) Sated Bacchus: bright screen, good volume
(13:11:44) maritulip: easy to navigate with built in help interface
(13:12:25) Sated Bacchus: the Jessica OS has can handle 2048 bit color, and can process multiple bytes per second.
(13:12:56) Sated Bacchus: many conveniently accessable drives
(13:14:02) maritulip: packaging is easy to remove and bright accessories complement the overall look and feel of Jessica OS
(13:14:37) Sated Bacchus: quick loading times make gameplay a pleasure
(13:15:30) maritulip: easy to tailor to your individual needs, makes it feel like it's designed for you
(13:16:35) Sated Bacchus: the Jessica OS' ability to handle large attachments and unzip massive files into her internal drives makes her the perfect OS for users who handle a lot of data.
(13:17:43) maritulip: as a shareware program, jessica os is easily shared among friends without ramifications
(13:18:51) Sated Bacchus: and the Jessica OS makes loading RAM into her an experience that every user will want to repeat over and over and over.
(13:20:27) maritulip: The program responds with excessive output to input ratio, making your investment sound. Many users will find Jessica OS requires only a click or two to get up and running.
(13:24:23) Sated Bacchus: users will find that with higher security clearance, the OS only become more durable, and able to handle most any complicated programsn or repeated massive downloads with admirable performance.

seriously.

badprincess @ 2006-07-08T14:54:00

2006-07-08T18:59:55Z

omgomgomgomg PIRATES. That movie was filled from beginning to end with hot as hell everything and I am super happy I went to see it. I would definitely love to see it again on the big screen. If anyone reading this has NOT seen it, I will go with you.

Also, I love my bosses. I came home this afternoon to do some laundry and was bitching about my headache and not feeling well and MomFigure is like "I'll be right back!" and fucking returned with a iced white chocolate soy mocha. Wow, so sweet. And this happens on a somewhat regular basis.

Hmm what else is going on? I'm loving my super bright red/purple/black hair right now. Making little girls squee about my hair gives me a very happy face. Conversations normally happen like this:

LittleGirl: OMG! That girl has PURPLE hair mom!!!
Mom: Mmhmm.
LittleGirl: MOM I WANT PURPLE HAIR!
Mom gives me death glare of doominous gloom.

I have discovered the fantastic thing that is WoW and it makes me want to have much less of a social life so I can play more and more. Maybe tomorrow during the day or something. Tonight we are going out clubbing so I get to do two of my favorite things: dress like a whore, and dance. I am not sure if I will drink or not because my tolerance seems to be insanely high lately. A bottle of amaretto might be delicious to sip on though...

Camping FTW

2006-07-06T05:06:24Z

So on the 3rd of July we went 'camping'. This included a massive amount of people who I will not name and sheep and fun. Yes, there were sheep. They were super loud and cute and I loved it. The 'camping' was close enough to a house for indoor plumbing, involved tons of alcohol, and fireworks. I offically like 'camping'. I have been told this is not real camping but it involved tents and I'll stick with it.

First, I did a fantastic job at keeping an amazing level of drunk going throughout the night without ever getting sick or sober. A rough estimate of consumption includes: a beer, vodka and redbull, vodka and orange juice, vodka and pomegranate green tea, 1/3 bottle white chocolate godiva, 1/2 bottle amaretto, about 5 swings of vodka from the bottle, random other drinks handed to me. Yes, I am a champion. I met a lot of new people and suffered from little to no social anxiety which was fantastic but mainly alcohol based I'm sure. Highlights of the night included:

*Dead baby joke song
*Debauchery of various levels
*Meeting hot new girls
*Super random conversations
*Seeing sheep!
*Breasts used as x-wing fighters
*Friendly handjob coupons

Also, I am super happy in general with life. I am meeting lots of good people, I have found *tribe* again, I am working in a fantastic job that lets me have silly hair and piercings, and I am growing and changing and learning and doing important Jessica things. It's really interesting that I'm getting very good at correctly identifying what mood shift I'm in. I have been insanely manic for the past few days and today I started bitching about something random and I literally FELT the shiffffffft to depressed. Identifying is the first step. Now I have to work on fixing. At least I understand what is wrong with me so when I think things are super horrible I can logically tell myself I will feel better again. And while it seems really sad, sometimes I enjoy being all crazy because my manic swings are so so so so good and fun and I am getting better about utilizing them correctly and not engaging in self destructive behaviors. Not to mention: I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well. So being sort of manic and excessive is not necessarily a bad thing when you believe the things I do.

badprincess @ 2006-06-24T12:39:00

2006-06-24T16:40:11Z

"The first player of this game starts with the '6 weird things/habits about yourself' and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things as well and state this rule clearly. In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read yours."

1. I have a weirdly high pain tolerance. This is a good thing in regards to piercings and tattoos, but a horrible awful thing in actuality. Like last night when I hurt my toe on the trash can while cooking dinner. I think to myself "ouch!" and keep going. It wasn't until someone else came into the kitchen and started screaming and wildly gesticulating that I looked down and saw my toe was bleeding profusely and it looked like a crime scene out there. So annoying.

2. I am super OCD about the volume level on my radio. If I am of an odd numbered age, the volume must be on an odd number, even age must be even, etc. I try to restrain myself in other people's cars about this but if I don't think they're looking I'll tweak it.

3. On that note, I can very rarely listen to a cd and just let it play. There is some magical point in every song where I am just done with it and must skip to the next one. Again, I try and restrain myself if other people are around, it drives them crazy.

4. I love the smell of things most others find disgusting. Extremely strong body odor, skunks, etc.

5. I have almost no pop culture references at all. Not watching tv has made this much worse than it used to be.

6. When I taste something I really really like, I am likely to make a horrifing disgusted type face. When I taste something I hate, I will smile hugely. I don't know why or how this started. It takes some getting used to. It's the same with stress sometimes. When I am cooking a huge meal I look insanely stressed but actually I am very relaxed. Sometimes when I am just sitting there smiling to myself I am going into huge panic attack mode or self hatred or something inside.

I am not tagging any of you but you should do this anyway.

badprincess @ 2005-01-08T17:08:00

2005-01-08T23:11:19Z

I don't know what the fuck my problem is, I am sooo painfully depressed right now. Plus I feel physically ill... PLUS I get to go buy a new tire since I broke mine in the middle of the night last night then got to wait by the road for hours for AAA to come.. At least Dave drove out and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone (collective aww). So yeah, I work a double tomorrow which sucks, I need to feel better soon. I am off now to go angst and drive around and get said new tire. Hopefully I'll gather up the wherewithall to post something more concrete later.

badprincess @ 2004-12-23T09:45:00

2004-12-23T16:00:37Z

Okay bitches here's a little update to keep your panties wet.

Lately all I've been doing is working and then hanging out with Dave (the boy, weird that he earned a name already) way too much. It's good that he doesn't get tired of me but I know I've been putting things off that I need to take care of. It's just entirely too relaxing and enjoyable to sit around with him all day snuggling and watching movies and going to eat at 24 hour places. We're still doing really good, we've moved up to exclusivity now which scares me on a base level but I'm not hyperventilating yet so I'm surviving. He's also met two of my best girl friends and was given the stamp of approval. Now he just has to run the family gauntlet.

So yesterday a friend took my car and got the oil changed while I was working so I wouldn't have to do that today, which was awesome.. Though I do owe him booty now. So all that's left for today is to go get my hair cut, pack enough clothes for a week or so, get my car cleaned out, get all my Christmas presents I have to take with me in the car, etc. I need to do some serious searching around the basement because throughout the year I buy items I think people will like and stash them places.. So I'm sure I can come up with some more random gifts that way.

SO, then tonight I work from 4-8 and hopefully I can get out of there a bit early.. As immediately from work I'm leaving to go to Michigan. Normally takes me about 5-6 hours depending on traffic and which route I take. So I'll get there, then the next morning I get up super early to meet an old friend from HS, then finishing last minute shopping. After that we're driving to my aunts who lives back down to Chicago, doing Christmas+afterChristmas sales there, and then going back home to Michigan. Then I get to leisurely visit with my mom and grammy and sister for however long. I don't have to go back to work till the 3rd.. But I'm not sure if I'll actually stay there that long. I'll probably start missing my hos and come back home early since the kids won't be here, it will be nice and relaxing and I can take care of shit I've been avoiding.

I'd like to find something good to do on NYE that doesn't involve going to some random bar with a bunch of people there I don't know/like. I don't have to babysit anymore so I don't have to be home.. But maybe I'll end up staying home and getting trashed or something equally devoid of value.

badprincess @ 2004-12-16T12:02:00

2004-12-16T18:19:46Z

I haven't updated in quite a bit, not only for being moderately busy but also because of -drama-. But anyway, I really don't care anymore, people can either grow up and deal with it or just not read my lj! HAH TO YOU, WORLD!

So a little story starts like this. Remember the emo ranting in my journal? So that boy ended up not being in to me which hurt my little feelings quite a bit. I ended up talking to one his friends online randomly, and then we started chatting more and more and more. We eventually decided we should hang out in person. Now believe me, this was entirely set up as a friends only thing. I had the previous thing with his friend, he was still in the slow process of moving out/breaking up with a gf of three years. Bad idea for a variety of reasons. Well, regardless I asked said first boy if it would be okay if I hung out with his friend, was given permission, etc. Fast forward to hanging out with second boy, tons of drama and recriminations from different parties and lots of ensuing bullshit. Dramatic online defriending and the ilk. I think it was just a pretty serious case of not wanting something but then not wanting anyone else to have it either, we've all been through that before.

SO! This other boy.. Though we set down that we would just be friends, we surprisingly ended up feeling a lot differently. There was just an immediate chemistry (at least for me) that I really didn't want to/couldn't deny. We have been hanging out a shitton, every hang out is like a 12+ hour thing. It's one of those items where you can't even remember what you talked about afterwards but you just remember it was all interesting and good and fabulous. He's really fantastically wonderful in all honesty, he makes me girly and blushy and cutesy and shy.. BEST PART! He actually likes me too. I know, I know, unbelievable for miss jess as she always falls for the ones who want nothing to do with her.. But I think I've gotten incredibly lucky this time. I know it's pretty soon to be feeling this way but we have such a strong casuality and comfort level already. I can tell him about all my issues and when I'm feeing uncomfortable, and he is fine with that and understands and talks without getting weirded out or taking them personally. It's something really healthy and open and entirely foreign.

THE ONLY bad part is I've also been working about 40 hours a week plus boy time which makes Jessica a very worn out girl. But I got a solid 14 hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling better already. I've already given work a heads up that I'm sort of burned and I'm going to take about a week off after Christmas. I put in my request for the 26-2. I'm hitting up my aunts on the 24-25 or so, then going up to my mommas for tons of shopping and eating and general family goodness. My aunt wants me to come home in time to watch the kids for New Years Eve.. She definitely is really wanting me to and feels entirely guilty for even asking so she said I could have people over and get fantastically drunk or something. I have no idea, I sort of wanted to go out.. Would anyone be up for coming over and having a small celebration? Is that just way too lame for NYE?

badprincess @ 2004-12-02T21:49:00

2004-12-03T03:50:38Z

anonymous: trying anal gave me respect for rapists

ahahahah <3

FOR MY SUPERSTAR LOVE AFFAIR OTHER HALF OF DOUBLE TROUBLE INCORPORATED

2004-12-01T07:17:25Z

It makes it easier to get over someone old if you're getting on top of someone new.

badprincess @ 2004-11-29T19:28:00

2004-11-30T03:32:35Z

A really good thing about today!

Kelsiebug and I were downstairs and we were the only ones home. I put in my new Simon&Garfunkel cd (yes, fuck you) and started dancing around. She was all "JESSIEEE WHAT ARE YOU DOIIIIIIING THAT IS SO EMBARASSING!!" I said, "Miss Kelsiebug there is no one else here but ME and YOU and I like this music so I am going to DANCE and so should YOU!" I proceeded to dance all around like craziness, and she stood there and watched and watched. After a few moments she started to sway a little bit, then move her arms a little bit, and the next thing I knew she was dancing her heart out. We gyrated and jumped and kicked and clapped hands and acted ENTIRELY cheesy and corny and unaware. Eventually we were so exhausted we fell down laughing and panting on the floor. It was awesome.

I WONDER WHY!!!

2004-11-29T02:31:20Z

dlihcROTPYRCxxx: my butt hurts for some reason

badprincess @ 2004-11-24T07:08:00

2004-11-24T13:16:15Z

Remember my special little teacup analogy? Teacup, please meet hard concrete floor. At least now I know what my 'bad thing getting ready to happen' was! As for the person that was the straw on the camel's back, please let me extend a heartfelt fuck you. Perhaps when you grow up and become an adult like the rest of us, you'll realize human emotions are real and it's not nice to play with them. When you say things, mean them. I wish I could be as vicious as I'd love to be without feeling like a total bitch. Unfortunately I have this weird uncontrollable thing in which I don't enjoy hurting other people, how crazy, right? I just don't understand how anyone can go from "let's try and start a relationship" to "let's only be friends" in a matter of four days. Even as bipolar and gemini as I am I certainly don't change like that. Sure, everyone has doubts and misconceptions and moments of indecision but we don't generally let them all spew forth, leaving behind a wake of destruction and confusion.

I wish I could skip the hurt and angry part and just go straight to angry.

Slept like absolute shit last night even with taking a disgusting amount of benadryl to knock me out. Tonight the nyquil will be brought forth like golden manna.

I'll probably come home from work and delete this in a fit of angst. But for now, it stays.

badprincess @ 2004-11-23T20:06:00

2004-11-24T02:07:23Z

Princess just coined a new word which is perfection.

EMOPATIENT

ahahaha you'd have to be there. my new everything is going to be emopatient.

badprincess @ 2004-11-23T02:16:00

2004-11-23T08:20:33Z

INFORMATION
[my name is]: Jessica
[i am wearing]: low slung jeans, black turtleneck, ecko hoody, white kneesocks, poohbear slippers, emo glasses.
[my purse/bag houses my]: server book, swipe card, wallet, keys, 4 lipsticks, free drink tab, subway coupons, extra body jewelry, hair ties, candy, marbles, fake teletubby toy with light up eyes, gigantor bouncy ball, lint roller.. i think that's it?
[my wallet]: made of duct tape by yours truly, full of bling.
[in the morning i am]: needing to go potty.
[love is]: random
[i dream about]: fulfillment

OPPOSITE SEX
[what do you notice first?]: aura (SERIOUSLY! don't laugh at the hippie)
[my boyfriend/girlfriend is]: nonexistent
[for how long]: NA
[longest period i've been single]: from the time I was born till about 14 or 15.
[first boyfriend/girlfriend]: very first, john. very serious, eric.
[last person you slow danced with]: lawd, i have no idea. eric probably, slowdancing w/someone else isn't really my thing

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
[you talked to on the phone]: Brett
[hugged]: Tonia
[fought with]: real fighting... probably Jared.
[loved]: absurd question as I love numerous people at once.
[hated]: see above.
[to give you a present]: my auntie
[you instant messaged]: Brian
[you laughed with]: Amie

DO YOU//ARE YOU
[could you live without the computer?]: could I live, yes, would it be enjoyable, no.
[what's your favorite food?]: veggie sushi
[whats your favorite fruit?]: pomegranate *sp?*
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: definitely emotional pain as I actually really enjoy physical pain.

THE NUMBER
[of times i have had my heart broken? ]: a few.. not something you really want to count and remember.
[of hearts i have broken?]: no idea.
[of boys i have kissed?]: no idea.
[of girls i have kissed?] : who knows.
[of drugs taken illegally?] : the number of kinds or the number of times?
[of tight friends?]: a few.
[of cds that i own?]: i am not counting.
[of things in my past that i regret?]: i generally only regret things I don't do.

OTHER STUFF
[i know]: that i'm cool.
[i want]: to have motivation
[i have]: an eccentric personality
[i wish]: life was easier
[i hate]: close mindedness.
[i miss]: being young and unfettered.
[i fear]: death
[i hear]: enya, right now
[i love]: movies, good company, and excellent conversation
[i ache]: in my heart (ohsoemo.)
[i care]: about my cats
[i always]: talk too loud
[i dance]: when i'm alone in my room and i move all the furniture and totally tear it up.
[i cry]: at sappy commercials, sad movies, funny jokes, etc.
[i do not always]: feel alive
[i write]: like a pathetic teenager.
[i confuse]: men
[i can usually be found]: reading
[i need]: an answer.
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: yes
[if so, when and with who]: numerous occasions with numerous people.
[favorite place to be kissed?]: back of the neck or inner thigh.
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: unfortunately, yes.

OTHER STUFF CONTINUED
[your best feature (personality)]: never boring.
[your biggest flaw (personality)]: huge bitch.
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: hurting someone intentionally.
[describe your personality in one word]: outrageous.
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: chest, isn't that sad.
[person you regret sleeping with]: eh, none really. i don't let myself think about things like that because you can't change the past.
[height]: 5'8
[a smell that makes you smile]: chocolate
[a city you'd like to visit]: dublin
[a drink you order most often]: coke with extra grenadine
[a delicious dessert]: anything with chocolate.
[a book you highly recommend]: hope for the flowers.
[the music you prefer while alone]: anything cheesy or angsty or sad or happy. anything, really.
[your favorite band]: i can't even say that i have a favorite.
[your favorite solo artist]: cat stevens, bitches.
[a film you could watch over and over]: tombstone! i have no idea why, but i fucking love this movie.
[a TV show you watch regularly]: lost.
[you live in a(n)]: dungeon.
[your transportation]: the silver bullet, aka a little kia rio.
[your cologne or perfume]: nokomis for work, poeme for going out.
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: trash, my awful poetry, books i'm reading, assorted junk the cats drag under.
[what's on/in your night table]: alarm clock, record bowl full of assorted things like pliers and movie stubs and fingernail clippers and hair ties, vibrator, recent book, cards, knickknacks, etc.
[what's your favorite thing to receive from someone else]: physical affection.

emo update.

2004-11-23T06:28:02Z

everything sucks and i fucking hate everyone.

if i didn't have such an addictive personality i would take some pills to make me sleep. i'm not even tired and i have no good books to read and no good video games to play and no good crafts to make and no good thoughts to think and no good people to talk to and definitely no good daydreams to be had. i'm not sure wtf my problem is, i have been slowly sliding into this awful depression for a few days. i also have that weird feeling that something bad is getting ready to happen. i really cannot take one more tiny little thing right now. i feel like one of those teacups that are so fragile and delicate you can see a picture through the bottom of the cup.

i hope tomorrow is a lot better.

badprincess @ 2004-11-22T14:10:00

2004-11-22T20:29:57Z

So, everyone knows that scene in Risky Business in which Tom Cruise dances around in his panties, and does that cool floor slidey thing? Welp, today I discovered that I am not NEARLY cool enough to pull it off. Ouch! *rubs sore booty*

I hate being both OCD and ADD. Cleaning is a huge undertaking for me.. I'll be doing some small little corner and the next thing I know I'm alphabetizing my record collection or copying all my new cds onto my computer. But I have really gotten quite a bit accomplished so far. I'm taking my two days off to relax and clean and just basically have some much needed jessica time. Last week all the time I had off was consumed with dealing with family shit.. So it's more like working than actually resting.

Wednesday night I think Katie and I are going to go out and do something, but I won't be out late as Thursday I work a double and I want to be well rested. Then Friday I'm not sure what exactly is going on but I'm hanging out with the new boy and some of his friends. Shopping and eating is occuring as far as I know. I want to participate in Buy Nothing Day but my horrible inner girl is really trying to take over. I don't really NEED anything other than a CD case but of course need and want are awfully messy categories for me. Skye, if you read this let me know what you want for Christmas! (Don't say money.)

I really need to put my little gidget marooda on a diet but I feel so bad because myla never over eats and I don't know how to put only one cat on a diet. Is that even possible? I'm worried if I limit the food and only do scheduled feedings gidget will dominate myla and eat all the food. :(

This has to be the most boring update ever but I felt obligated to make one. There are lots of emotional things going on right now but they're still too raw for me to talk about them yet. Maybe later when things are more settled.

badprincess @ 2004-11-14T23:47:00

2004-11-15T05:59:46Z

13 hours of work after sleeping for approximately 4 hours. I'm tirrrrrrrrreeeeeeed. But when I got home I had to spend time with the momma, she is back in town. There is some family drama going down so everyone is sort of circling the wagons right now. I need to be distracted from all this stress, really and truly I have too much going on in my head right now. I want to be selfish and not care and seclude myself. But I'm going grocery shopping and listening and talking and finding 'the right words' and making phone calls and soothing and it's fucking exhausting. I don't want go to into the whole thing here for various reasons but if you're that interested you can ask the next time we talk.

Went and saw the new boy on Friday, I had much fun until my blood sugar levels crashed and I turned into uber bitch. It's funny, everytime Skye talks to me and I'm super grumpy, the first question he asks is "when is the last time you ate?!" So yeah, there was some drama and some talking and some funness and some randomness. But all in all it was a decent time. I really really suck at video games! I haven't played any console games in so long it's not even funny. I need to bust out my PS and veg sometime soon.

I'm off tomorrow so I'm planning on sleeping in.. Maybe doing something but I'm not sure what. Then Tuesday I'm off at like 2 or 3 so I'd definitely like to do something then. Wednesday is a short ass shift from 5-8, Thursday is another long day from 11-8 and Friday is just typical from 4-10.

Excitement excitement, I'm going to work from 9-8 on Thanksgiving, I cannot wait for that mad cash. Then I'm going to work Friday morning when we're super busy, and be off at night so I can do shopping and who knows what else. (The schedule isn't out yet but I struck a deal with the scheduling manager, so I'm pretty sure this is what I'm working.)

In sad news, I had to retire one of my piercings. It was the first time I've ever had to do it and I'm very upset about it. Oh well.. Once it's really well healed I'll get it repierced, this time with some bigger gauges and some better jewelry. I'm not sure why in the world I ever thought big round hoops that things can get caught on would be a good idea in my junk BUT IT IS NOT!

This is all for now.

badprincess @ 2004-11-09T00:07:00

2004-11-09T06:16:13Z

Gidget and I just got in a huge fight. She was trying to kill a great big proud mouse and I got very pissed at her and kept chasing her yelling "GIDGET JUST STOP IT, WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST LET HIM LIVE HIS LIFE" and Gidget kept screaming at me "I AM SICK OF YOU TRYING TO DENY ME MY INSTINCTS!" So then the mouse had hid behind my mini-bookshelf. Very quietly I began to move it away from the wall, and that stupid bitch thought I was actually going to HELP HER. SO then she jumped behind the bookshelf and I screamed RUN MOUSE RUN!!!!! And HELD onto Gidget's tail as tight as I could oh she was so pissed off I couldn't believe it, she turned around to scratch me and I let go right away.

So then the mouse had run around the corner and Gidget LEAPT behind him and pounced and hit him one time with her fist and called out to Myla and Myla came running up on the other side of him and I ran up and screamed "YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCHES I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU BOTH IF YOU DO NOT STOP!!" SO then they were very surprised at the tone of my voice and looked away for a minute, giving the mouse a chance to escape. He ran into my shoe collection (which is massive) and Gidget turned around and he was gone. She searched but he was very well hidden. So then I went over there and put a fake mouse down on the floor and said real loud and fake "OH HERE IS THAT FAT JUICY MOUSE, QUICK GIDGET COME AND GET HIM!!" She ran over so quickly.. You should have seen the look on her face when she saw that fake mouse!!!! OH how I laughed and laughed and laughed but now she is really pissed and won't come when I call her to apologize.

badprincess @ 2004-11-03T15:03:00

2004-11-03T21:12:34Z

All I have been able to do today is read articles on the internet with suspended disbelief and cry and cry. Not only about Bush being in office for another four years, but about the fact that every single state voted a big no on gay/lesbian marriages. I just don't understand that point of view.. Why does it affect you at all? Does it really matter to your life if I marry someone I love? Does anyone remember separation of church and state? And when the hell did we start to love to hate. I just don't understand.

I got up early yesterday morning and I was so happy and proud to be voting for the first time. I was so optimistic about the outcome. I mean, everyone KNEW the horrible things Bush was doing, right? We were working really hard on stopping apathy, getting young voters out there, etc. So, even though our candidates weren't entirely two ends of the spectrum, we still were going to do the right thing and choose the lesser of two evils.

Last night I had a little program running in the background while I chatted online, which showed the popular votes and the electoral votes. I kept watching.. Getting more and more uneasy as time went by. A few friends tried to talk to me about it but I was physically unable because I was so wracked with nerves.

This morning when Kerry conceded defeat I couldn't even feel. Fine, maybe I'm a drama queen. My aunt called today and I was crying and she was incredulous that I was 'this upset'. "It doesn't really matter", she said. YES, it does matter! It matters A LOT to me. No one is telling you that you can't love and marry whoever you want. Maybe you aren't concerned about a potential draft (which I don't think will happen), or about your rights as a woman to have an abortion, or the horrible things Bush does, BUT I DO!

I think I was basically very naive and wanted to believe in the intelligence and good heartedness of our citizens. Well fuck you America for proving me very, very wrong.